Body Horror

Goodbye,

2008-02-10T18:27:00.000-08:00

Well, less than 10 months since I started this blog, I have to say, I'm taking my leave. Yes, very few, if any, updates will be posted on Body Horror Blog. I will be writing horror reviews for a site:

www.oh-the-horror.com

And I will probably still be writing articles for:

www.retroslashers.net

Tough. Though I knew it wouldn't last forever. With no strain to present something, and loose in the guidelines department, keeping this site circulated was a hard job. So I hope you'll join up at both OTH and RS. I'll still be Body Boy at the latter, but I'm thinking of sticking to Josh for the review site. It will be up and running very soon. Good luck, god bless, and stay away from those spices! They'll be the death of us all.

-Body Boy

Just because...

2008-01-23T15:04:00.000-08:00

Not every ratings screen is red (Duh!), just look:

Yes, this post is dedicated to my boredom.

Evilspeak (1981)

2008-01-14T14:28:00.000-08:00

Stanley Coopersmith (Clint Howard) is a social outcast at a strict military school who always gets picked on by fellow peers. They call him names, smash his belongings, and try to get him kicked off the soccer team. His teachers are no help, dismissing him as just a troubled teen who needs to learn some discipline. While cleaning out the cellar, Stanley stumbles upon an old book. It turns out to be a satanic diary of black magic, instructing how to bring back great evil from long ago. The evil is Esteban, a cult leader from the 1500s, who promises dark power for the person that resurrects him. The bullies soon learn how wrong it was to torment Coopersmith, as buckets of their blood seep across the school, the result of a demonic desire for revenge.

Howard’s performance is mostly solid, giving the audience sympathy as he befriends a puppy and tries to fit in. You get the feeling that this boy has already been through enough hell. He is not the least bit touchy on the subject of his parents’ deaths, and the total number of times he even remotely smiles seems close to none. The typical slasher teenagers do not stand out much in Evilspeak, except for one scene, where a group of girls and boys set out to ruin Stanley’s shrine of evil. Their joke is more than a little distasteful, sending him a cruel, gruesome message, where suffering of an innocent being is the punch line.

The dark tone is the holy saviour of the film, making Evilspeak appear made on a higher budget than it really was. Good acting, nice 80s special effects, and one hell of a gory climax support this. People are decapitated, torn, and eaten by pigs, showing that the director (Eric Weston) had a mind built for true horror. The only down side to all of this bloodshed is that it leaks a hole in the sensitive structure of Stanley. While I’m sure some will side with Clint’s devil-fascinated character all throughout the movie, I actually felt bad for the people being sliced and diced. Maybe I just haven’t been teased enough.

It’s not hard to stay awake through. Evilspeak is a joy to watch even when blood doesn’t splash the screen, but at times you are hoping for something eventful to take place, and the story doddles in useless shots. Luckily, these are usually minor and crushed between important plot sequences. For once in film history, when a simple computer screen with dull green text appears, you aren’t bored out of your wits (although the computer acting as a gateway for the cult leader’s demands could be the reason for this). Hence the name which ‘evilspeak’ was probably thought up from.

It’s not scary, the scoring is just pinched in at the right moments to conjure an eerie presence. Perhaps it’s the ghost of atmosphere? Evilspeak does appear to be in another horror movie territory for the first fifty minutes, but give it a chance, and you’ll be rewarded with extreme violent slasher goodness, equipped with fifty minutes of worthy characterization!

Happy 2008 Everybody!

2008-01-06T16:11:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps! It's 2008, and 26 days since my last post. That means I care. :)

Although it's not Halloween, I still feel bad about no reviews over the Christmas break. I watched many review worthy horrors (mainly slashers) that could have been imputted onto my blog. The Prowler, Silent Night Deadly Night, Bay of Blood, Black Christmas (non-sucking version), The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, 5 Dolls for an August Moon, and Death Proof. So, no, most of those are not Holiday themed popcorn munchers, but they were a blast to watch (and re-watch). Even the dumb, yet...sooooo likeable (why though?) 5 Dolls (1970). If you haven't noticed, I'll inform you all that the Phantasm III review has been moved to the "Oldy Reviews", since it's now 15 years old! Making the "Modern Reviews" body count number...zero. What a shame. >.> Oh! There, I did it. Two emoticons in one post. Hell,

On an exclusively brighter note, I've taken a trip. No, this isn't a trip you simply fly to, or guilt trip a carny into taking you to. This is an emotional trip, like a breakdown, such as the one Britney Spears is enduring. Poor girl, not yet a woman. Yet, the babies lead you to believe-

Off topic! What I'm getting at is that I have an article! An article titled Slashers Gone Viral at the totally awesome slasher review site of Retro Slashers! Woohoo!!!

http://www.retroslashers.net!

9 Timez Poster #1

2007-12-11T03:50:00.000-08:00

So, if you didn't already know, some of my reviews on Body Horror are slightly different in visuals than others. I Spit On Your Grave, The Devil Bat, and Puppet Master III all have pretty poster arts for their spots, while the others are left with eye-catching pictures. Hmm, well, here's some helping hands towards those nay-posters. Let's celebrate! Perhaps, every nine non-poster reviews, I will post a large (9?) collection of posters that should have been used. Some may be awesome, others may be complete crap, but they're going here! Navigation bar not rated.

Oh my gosh! It's beautiful!

Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (1993)

2007-12-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

I may not be the smartest person with connections to a computer (no, that would be may cat) but, and someone correct me if I'm wrong, didn't I just write a review for a "part 3", made in the 90s? Hmm, I thought so. Well, let's pretend I'm being held at by knife point, and have no say whatsoever in what I review. Yes, that'll work out fine.

Recapping the events of the previous entry in the oddball series, Phantasm III (1993) finally starts off with a trio of friends, Mike, Reggie, and a blonde woman, driving off in a hearse, after blowing up a morgue. But Reggie is mysteriously shut out of the hearse, and it drives off...and EXPLODES! 90s style. The woman is soon, I believe, eaten by a dwarf, and our hero Mike survives. Sadly, the trees have little people as well, and both Reggie and Mike fear for their lives. Then, the Tall Man (yes, he's tall) shows up, demanding the "boy" (Mike). But Reggie won't let him take Mike, and threatens to blow him up. The Tall Man retreats with his dwarves, and life is happy again, when Mike is sent to the hospital to recooperate.

Don't worry. I'm just as confused as you are. I never saw Phantasm II (1988). Even though, I did watch the original Phantasm (1979) nary six months ago, it, really didn't help. You just have to go with the flow in the Phantasm series, I'm sorry to say. When something happens, don't ask why, just nod, and say "that makes sense. I'm not in the least bit confused, because real life is exactly the way it is depicted in this film. Don Coscarelli is so observant."

As the story, or what's part of it, progresses, we see Jody, Mike's dead brother, appear in Reggie's house. Not the least bit surprised, casual conversation ensues all three of our heroes, until Jody turns into a floating ball, and the Tall Man returns, taking Mike away. Yes, this movie is that wicked. Reggie, in an attempt to regain his friend, picks up a twelve year-old boy, and a foxy (in Reg's opinion) ass-kicking black biker chick. The three travel around the county from ghost town to ghost town, in search of the Tall Man, and his legions of dead people.

Going further in the story is a risk, as I do not want to:

a) Ruin the story for your viewing,

b) Mess up in telling the story, and

c) Introduce you to the laughable acting.

Actually, let's. The acting is tipsy-turvey, but not on the new characters' parts. In fact, Rocky, the foxy black girl is the best actor of the whole flick. She's witty, and she's "bad", like Taryn in A Nightmare On Elm Street 3 (1987). Subtract the three foot mowhawk. Tim, our youngest star of the sequel is not as annoying as you may think. He's believable. It's Mike and Reggie's roles who are soured into strangeland. Mike from part 1 was fairly well executed, but here, it seems the actor just took a wrong turn. Reggie is kind of funny, so you can forgive him for his out of place performance. As for Angus Scrimm, playing The Tall Man, he's no different than the other portrayals. It works because he's so creaky. He walks like a man on stilts, only he can bend his wood. And by wood (perverts!), I mean stilts, which means legs, which means tuna fish salad.

If you remember a while back, my review for City of the Living Dead (1980) showed a side of me that was dazed and confused. A combination that feels so fitting. But that was really only at the end. This film- no, this series is just a complete mind-fuck, and you know what? I wouldn't change a thing about it. The final few minutes of movie leave you on such a good note, that if you had any beefs lingering around in your mind throughout it, pondering about it will be post-poned. Wonderful! Not as good as the original, but just as fun. Recommended 90s cinema. It will suck your brains out, and feed them to hooded dwarves. Personally, if there were more scenes of dwarfism, I'd call this Hooded Terror! But I am no director. Sad.

Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (1993)

Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge (1991)

2007-12-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

It's 1941. Berlin, Germany shows us the fine arts of reanimation. A man by the name of Mr. Straus is pressuring a scientist to bring back life to a corpse, which ends in unsatisfying results. The undead man cannot be controlled, and goes on a small, but violent rampage through the room. He is quickly shot and killed...again. (?)

Now it's puppet show time! Andre Toulon, a puppeteer, is performing a play with his small, detailed friends, themed with Adolf Hitler being shot by a six-handed cowboy. All of the children and adults laugh (though some are a little too enthusiastic). Except one man. A Nazi! Spying on the anti-Hitler entertainment, he takes note of the fact that the puppets are stringless, wondering the question "how do they move?". Andre and his wife do not hide the fact, when they are introduced to him, that they feel threatened. He repeats asking them "how do they move?", and eventually finds out, when he peeks through the couple's window at night. Magic! Or green syrum, as it's shown here.

When the rest of the Nazi's get a hold of this information, they are odered by, who else, Mr. Straus, to bring Toulon in. But when they confront Toulon, his wife will not accept their barging in, and is shot twice. Toulon is grief-stricken by the loss of his wife, and thus his revenge starts. Gee. And I wonder why they called this flick, 'Toulon's Revenge'?

With the help of his puppets Tunneler and Pinhead, the Nazi drivers of Toulon's kidnapmobile are killed. Hiding away, Andre and his other puppets, Six-Shooter and Jester, take their vengeace, by creating a new puppet from the soul of his dead wife. Thus, Leech Woman is born. You can't take points off for originality. Who would have thought up of a killer puppet with the power to regurgitate leeches, who'll then suck your blood dry? Nice! Seriously, the toys are the star of the show. They're so much fun. I'd love to have them in my home. "Pinhead, make me a sandwich!" Ah yes. Slavery.

Revenge is sweet, as by leech, by drill, by head snap, by blade, by gun and by hook-hanging, each victim is savagely murdered. Funky special effects too. A six-handed puppet climbs up a building with beautiful ease. And the stop motion! God, it's so pretty. It doesn't seem to matter that the difference between 1982's Basket Case and this is not much. Not much at all. But this is more graceful. Switching topic! You learn to hate the antagonist, and his friends, though one Nazi has me utterly confused as to what I should feel for him. When he falls through a window, shot amuck, it doesn't feel deserved. That actor seriously knew how to work his character. He's bad, but he's a god, funny bad guy. Not dopey, just funny.

Talk about hideous kids though. As Andre and his gang of fiendish puppets continue to rock the sides of Berlin, they must rest at another hideaway. Oddly enough, two other fugitives are also staying there: A man and his son; the same young man who had watched Andre's puppet show at the beginning. He is amazed by all of the small soldiers he sees before him. Let me just fill this in though. The kid is nowhere's near as hideous as I made him out to be. But something doesn't fit. Either he looks older than he's playing, or his eyes are too round. A little of both would be my vote. His father is not too keen on his son hanging around with Toulon, and actually turns Andre into the Nazis. Oh no! What will he do? Escape! The scientist from the beginning makes friends with Andre, tries to help him escape, and eventually, Andre takes his final leave of the film. But does he survive? Watch!

The film does have that dull feel the early 90s often had. But the puppets, the good acting, and terrific remaking of Nazi Germany obtained a presentable state. That is not what I was expecting. Going into Puppet Master III (1991), I was sure that crap would prevail. It's a sequel in the forever direct to video franshise, and it still had a theatrical viewing worthy of 1991. Until next time, don't piss off any puppets, or they'll find you.
Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge (1991)

The Devil Bat (1940)

2007-11-11T14:39:00.000-08:00

Good lord! Did I do it again? This time, I took all of October off. For a blog about horror movies, I sure did pick a month to play hookie. No matter, here's a review. My oldest one yet! And it comes straight from hell! The Devil Bat (1940)!!!

In a small town, terror swoops down over the relatives of two rich families. With Bela Lugosi (Dracula - 1931) as the mad scientist, this golden oldie is not one to miss! Bela's character lives in a bizarre castle (I think) rigged with secret passageways. Why? What use are they for a man with no criminal intent? KILLER BATS!!! Indeed, the alternative title has as much relevance to the story as its regular. Our scientist is furious with the
families who he feels has done him wrong, so he conducts an experiment using a new fragrance, lotion, perfume, cologne, or whatever else you'd like to call it. This lotion, when rubbed upon the body, sends a smell into the air, signaling the experimented oversized bats in Legosi's attic to attack and kill!

Is it any shock that Bela plays an evil, batty, murdering protagonist? The producers were soooo trying to mimick his previous vampire successes, but they did so in a non-rip-em-off killer thriller, that actually has some spurts of comedy mixed throughout. 30s and 40s comedy, nontheless, but you may find a few chuckles here and there. "May". So what's the deal with the fake rubber bats on wires? That's what I'd like to know.

Obviously, it's 1940, so strings were a necessity. And I'm sure they're there. But due to my '85 Goodtimes VHS release, I actually didn't see any lines. That's uncommon! The film ever makes a joke out of bats on strings. Figure that! And it's well acted too; at least, it's likeably acted. The towns people aren't that dumb either. They're pretty smart, aside from Mary Heath, the typical damsel in distress. Although, she's never really in any outspoken danger. Bats are locked out of the house, and the Dr. Paul Carruthers (Lugosi) never aims to bring her harm.

The ending is naturally abrupt though. For a 40s horror flick (or any genre, for that matter) that's alright. I can't find many dumb things to add about it. Unrealistic comes to mind. It shouldn't be real, but when you've just found out that you've been fired from your newspaper job, don't make a funny and smile! Gaaaah! The nerve. I'm not that 'IN' to pre-60s horror movies. Frankly, they bore me. That's horrible, and very modern of me to say, but I cannot tell a lie. Or not say the truth. Not now. But The Devil Bat/Killer Bats (1940) is quick paced, and only 66 minutes. Actually, 69 minutes, but my tape was cut. The horror!

The Devil Bat (1940)

15 Years Approval Badge!

2007-09-25T12:17:00.000-07:00

Yikes! Over two weeks since my last post. I'm a real slacker. Lord help me before I am swallowed up by the abyss. Although, do abyss' swallow men, or do men fall into abyss' and be sucked in, and then relinquished years later, but in the form of Peppermint Patti?

15 years is what I personally consider the aging gap for the horror boy scouts. Movies in general have a higher range, but as for me and my horror, I prefer 15. Now to answer the question as to what I'm talking about. Ghosties, monsters, zombies and black gloved killers, from 1992 and back, are all boy scouts. Or girl guides. But it doesn't really matter, since this is co-ed. Or co-hor. Co-hor. Co-hore. Co-whore? Coe-whore! Coke Whore!!!

Now that I've figured out my goal for today's post, I can explain. But first, let's meet the scouts. 2007's example judges are:

Deadly Eyes (1982)
The Fog (1980)
The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1969)
Lisa, Lisa (1977)
Popcorn (1991)

Yes, Popcorn (1991) has agreed to return from last year. For those of you who don't know, 2006's meeting of approval granted Pop his very own 15 Years Approval Badge, after turning...well, 15! 15 is the lucky number a horror film turns. And it is just so lucky, because once a film is 15, it doesn't seem to matter that it sucks anymore. People develop feelings for it, just for the fact that it's retro. 1992 is retro now everybody! Whether you like it or not! In 2011, I know it'll be hard to believe, but Scream (1996) will earn its badge, and many other '96 graduates. Proud, proud day. Then they have to look forward to 25 years into the future, when they turn 40, and become "Horror Hall of Famers!" earning themselves a bloodstained plack that will never break.

So who made these rules?

Doesn't matter! They're there, and should never be questioned, or even debated. Heerr-eerrrm!

The judges are proud to present to you a long list of 1992 horrors that have all received their 15 Years Approval Badge, wearing proudly to show off to the newbies. "Don't worry 2007. You'll have your turn. Sadly, you too will be retrofied." :( Emoticoned!

Dr. Giggles (1992...duh!) is a happy camper, and expressed his or her joy by bouncing up and down. Leprechaun (1993) stares in awe at the exciting ceremony, and can see his future for next year, bright and almost in full bloom. Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987) awards the crowns, flowers, and most importantly, the badges to all of 1992's wonderous contenders. This is a big leap, and all are proud. Even Rob Zombie is swearing with enthusiasm. Wait, no. He's just swearing.

A big night is ahead of us with the three hour long after-party, and a memorial montage of all the contributers who helped make the year its own.

In addition, there will be a section for Body Horror "Modern Reviews" opening up, for any film past 1992. 1993-2007, afterall, are years too!

Killing Birds (1987)

2007-09-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

Also known as Zombie 5, and Stupid-As-Hell! Hmm, do I say hell a lot? I've been thinking about that lately. In life, I never usually say hell, unless telling someone, like the dishwasher guy who was supposed to come two weeks ago to pick up the old tin can, but decided to sleep in and skip us because he's just that important.

Speaking of importance...this review! And why is this review so important? Well, I'll tell you. Because it marks the very first half-star review of Body Horror! Hooray! Such a happy occasion, and yet, I'm not smiling.

After finding his wife in bed with another man, a Vietnam Veteran kills the both of them, his pet bird, and his two parents. Yeah, the parents! But the bird was not so understanding, as it clawed out the man's right eye. If you're going to go down, at least go down fighting. He then takes away his baby, and the movie, very poorly, skips ahead to the present. Or what was the present.

Well now, this Killing Birds (1987) thing is supposed to be about zombie feathered friends, killing hot and bothered teenagers, right? I'd presume. But what's a little slashing going to harm in the beginning? Not much, since it's the only interesting part in the whole damn film! Terribly executed, but still, the best part. Yeesh. Whatever, I always liked slashers more than zombie flicks anyways. But this movie is only twenty years old. Surely they could have upped the effects! Spandex doesn't take that long to put on!

So we've skipped ahead. Again I say, rather poorly. A group of college kids are researching birds, and all the interesting facts that go with that subject. They meet up with the old Vietnam Vet, who apparently, doesn't feel the need for killing anymore, and hasn't been jailed. The logic is so clear you guys. If anyone questions it, they must surely be put to death. Because blind men are very good murder cover-upers. Do not deny it!

Sadly, the teens are everything but interesting. Lame dialogue, like the classic eye-roller "does a bear shit in the woods?" will surely lead your expectations somewhere down the road. One moment I felt a movement of love for a dark-haired girl, but, they killed her off. And not with much pay-off. At points, I was convinced this was a poorly dubbed Italian film. Nope. Not dubbed. Just shit. Worse than the previous two Zombie sequels. You thought that wasn't possible? Eeek! It is.

Instead of driving away in their truck when they discover a vehicle of dead bodies in broad daylight, they stay the night at the deserted home that we saw in the beginning of this weary film. Makes perfect sense. I mean, if I saw a dead body in a car, I'd stay the night at a nearby emptied home, whether it was night, day, or morning! Because I have intellect.

I cared for no one. No people, no birds. Just the misleading title. A zombie flick about birds that are undead. Turns out to just be a flick about zombies killing boring teens. I don't even think that the birds are zombies. The only person they actually kill is the blind man. And you don't give a hoot about him. Now I know that I haven't really captured the essence of this film's badness, but how could I? Not with words. You must experience, to believe. However, missing the film completely, you would not miss a thing. It's very disposable, I'm sorry to say.
Killing Birds (1987)

I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

2007-08-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. It's a little bit more serious than the other reviews I have given you all. But I think it may work. A shame that I can't post pictures, since I only own I Spit On Your Grave (1978) on VHS. Whatever, here it is, with a poster. 'Oooo':

Poor Meir Zarchi has probably received many letters of upset, after writing, producing and directing his first film I Spit On Your Grave (1978). It’s notoriously known as the movie that Roger Ebert called ‘the worst film ever made’. I can tell you now, Spit is not the best or most enjoyable revenge flick to watch on a Friday night, but in no way is it the worst of the worst. And Camille Keaton can prove it with her more than convincing role.

City girl Jennifer Hill (Keaton) drives off into the countryside to rent out a cabin home, and complete her upcoming novel. She’s a writer, and there’s no better place for a writer to be than by a calm and peaceful lake. The people in town seem awfully nice, like Matthew (Richard Pace) who delivers goodies from the market by bicycle. How delightfully old-fashioned. Everything seems to be going well, and there’s no doubt Jennifer will be having a blast this summer vacation. But things don’t go quite as she had expected. Three hicks from town, consisting of two bums and a presumed wife beater, torment and frustrate poor Hill to death. As if that were the least of her worries, she is chased through the woods like a wild animal, and stripped nude of all her clothing. Bruised and bloody, Jennifer is raped by two of the men, and eventually, marketplace pal Matthew joins in on the game. When the time comes to leave the half-dead victim, one of the rapists shoves a knife into Matthew’s clutches so as to finish the dirty deed. But Matthew can’t bring himself to do it, and lies about the woman’s status. Too bad Matthew doesn’t know, a woman never forgets, and by this point, she will show no mercy!

The beautiful setting at the lake adds to the shock that so many terrible things could and are happening. You get a feel for how peaceful our main actress is before all hell brakes loose. At times you have to turn up your speakers, and stop crunching your popcorn to listen and understand what on earth the actors are saying. It definitely gets easier as the film progresses, and once that’s all settled, you can enjoy this revenge slasher to the fullest that it allows itself to. Acting is very well done, dialogue is decent, and due to there being a select few in cast, the characters are extraordinarily developed. Perhaps that’s an over exaggeration, but you get where I’m coming from. Matthew, the lonely virgin, adds some comedic tones to the drear, with his unnatural habits in the ways of sex, and his fidgety personality when it comes to being reunited with vengeful Jennifer.

After an hour of no bodies whatsoever, the average slasher fan may start to throw a tantrum and chuck their bag of popcorn at the television screen. I know I would have if I had any with me. But if you wait it out, stay patient, and bite your tongue, you could be pleasantly surprised. Don’t expect too much though, as this is still the seventies. The final thirty minutes is slasher territory all the way, as no more Mrs. Nice Keaton gets even with her enemies, by noose, by knife, by propeller and axe. Blood is guaranteed to splatter the walls, and sink deep through the water. I promise.

It’s recommended you see this seventies slasher, if your stomach can take brutal gang-rapes. If not for the outstanding Camille, then for the final thirty minutes of body ripping revenge. It’s another of many ways to see how entertainment was projected to audiences with a simple, easy to follow story. Plus it makes a great back-to-back with Last House on the Left (1972).

I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

2007-07-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

If this seems like a very short review to you people out there, drifters or weekly stoppers, don't be alarmed. It's 1:30am, and I've not watched this film in, possibly, two weeks. Wow, I'm just terrible! But I have some pics, so all is good.

Somewhere in Texas, a killer is nailing townsfolk! My God! And with the title above, you already knew beforehand that I'm a sick bastard. So a killer dressed in a motorcycle getup (?), a helium tank with a telephone cord attached (??), spouting cheesy one-liners, and a malicous laugh only a hick could love. Unless that hick was being nailed to a tree, or in his crotch!

Seriously, this low budget mess has some horrendous acting. It looks like all of the 'actors' are script reading. Their tone of voice is all off, and if the directors of this 'killer in traditional values town' told me that there was no script, that it was all improvised, I wouldn't be all that surprised.

It's kind of a sleeper. You are trying to find something to like about this film that is intentional, and in doing so, possible drowse, or hell, even drowze (!) could occur. It may have a worthy body count, but if it's a chore to make it to the next victim, do you want any part of it? And the identity! Oh boy, here we go. Either I wasn't paying much attention, or I just didn't care about who the killer was. Did they even show up before the reveal? Surely. That would be...explainable. Hmmm, Mardi Gras is starting to make more and more sense to me. It's not about why you're there, the important thing is to find fun in the bestest of places, and to scoot away those pests that try to lure you into their cars. Most likely, a hearse.

So now that that's over with, the climax must abound. A truly unsatisfactory one at that. What a waste? Only time can tell, but I wouldn't list Nail Gun Massacre (1985) as the worst slasher movie in history. No, it was fun, it was unique at the time, and there's far more bigger shitfests. And look at those shots! The second scene is by far my favorite of the film for the colorful house, striking atmosphere, and hobo-child who found its way into a cardboard box. Pure inventive technique that was! The homes stable upon cement blocks were oozing with "I want that" and sex in the woods just worked with this film more than it should have.

And I suppose I should have mentioned this earlier, a girl was raped in the beginning. A little late, but like my cat always says, "better late than never, old chap". Yes, he's correct. So if you have some issues with rape, I'm just warning you. It's no I Spit On Your Grave (1978) though. So I leave you with a rating that, I think, suits it well. Wear these couple of stars with pride Nail, as you may not receive any more in the near future.

Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

The Slasha' Library

2007-07-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

(Current Capacity: 275)

Ever have troubles picking a slasher movie to watch? Found a ton of slasher films, and wondered if there were any more to find? Well, no worries. I'll be updating this page for times to come. It serves no real purpose, except to browse the titles of such wonderful historic masterpieces. Or not. Have a look, and drool over the fun times you will have at the lake, in your high school, or with your friends at a slumber party! (Just don't forget to bring a drill)

Singles:

Absurd

Alice Sweet Alice

Alone in the Dark (1982)

American Nightmare

Anguish

Anthropophagus

April Fool's Day

Bad Dreams

Bay Of Blood, A

Berserker (1987)

Bird With The Crystal Plumage, The

Bits And Pieces

Blade In The Dark, A

Black Christmas (1974)

Blood Cult

Blood Frenzy

Blood Hook

Blood Rage

Blood Screams

Blood Sisters

Blood Tracks

Bloodbeat

Bloodmoon

Bloody Birthday

Bloody Moon

Boardinghouse

Body Count (1987)

Body Parts

Boogeyman, The

Burning, The

Carnival of Blood

Cat O' Nine Tails

Cemetery Of Terror

Cheerleader Camp

Chopping Mall

Christmas Evil

City In Panic

Class Of 1984

Crawlspace

Curtains

Cutting Class

Dangerous Game

Dangerous Love

Dark Night of the Scarecrow

Dark Power, The

Day Of Judgment, A

Dead Girls

Deadly Dreams

Deadly Games

Deadly Intruder

Deadly Possession

Death Valley

Deep Red

Demented

Demon, The (1979)

Deranged

Devil Times Five

Don't Go In The House

Don't Go In The Woods

Don't Go To Sleep

Don't Open The Door

Don't Open 'Til Christmas

Don't Panic

Doom Asylum

Dorm That Dripped Blood, The

Double Exposure

Dr. Giggles

Dream Slayer

Dreamaniac

Dressed To Kill

Driller Killer, The

Edge Of The Axe

Evil Dead Trap

Evil Judgment

Evil Laugh

Evilspeak

Exterminator, The

Eyes Of A Stranger

Eyes Of Laura Mars

Fan, The

Fatal Games

Fatal Pulse

Final Exam

Final Terror, The

Forced Entry

Forest, The

Four Flies On Grey Velvet

Funeral Home

Funhouse, The

Future-Kill

Ghost Dance

Ghostkeeper

Girls Nite Out

Goodnight, God Bless

Graduation Day

Grandma's House

Grotesque

Happy Birthday To Me

Happy Hell Night

He Knows You're Alone

Hell Night

Hide And Go Shriek

Hitcher, The (1986)

Home For The Holidays

Home Sweet Home

Honeymoon Horror

Horror House On Highway 5

Horror Show, The

Horror Star, The

House Of Death

House On Sorority Row, The

Houseboat Horror

Humongous

Hunter's Blood

I Spit On Your Grave

Iced

Incubus, The

Initiation, The

Innocent Prey

Intruder

Island, The

Island Of Blood

Junior

Just Before Dawn

Killer!

Killer Party

Killer Workout

Ladies Club, The

Last Horror Film, The

Last Slumber Party, The

Lift, The

Lisa, Lisa

Love Butcher, The

Madhouse

Madman

Majorettes, The

Maniac (1980)

Maniac Cop

Mardi Gras Massacre

Masque Of The Red Death, The (1990)

Massacre (1989)

Massacre At Central High

Mausoleum

Meateater, The

Memorial Valley Massacre

Midnight

Mirage (1990)

Mortuary

Motel Hell

Mountaintop Motel Massacre

Movie House Massacre

Ms. 45

Murderlust

Murderock

Mutilator, The

My Bloody Valentine

Nail Gun Massacre

New Year's Evil

Night Brings Charlie, The

Night Game

Night Of The Demon

Night School

Night Screams

Night To Dismember, A

Night Warning

Nightmares (1980)

Nightmares In A Damaged Brain

976-Evil

Offerings

Open House

Opera

Outing, The

People Across The Lake, The

Phantom Brother

Phantom Of Death

Phantom Of The Mall: Eric's Revenge

Phenomena

Phobia

Pieces

Playbirds, The

Popcorn

Prey, The

Prom Night

Prowler, The

Psycho Cop

Psychos In Love

Redeemer, The

Rest In Pieces

Return To Horror High

Revenge (1986)

Ripper, The

Rituals

Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare

Rocktober Blood

Rush Week

Satan's Blade

Savage Weekend

Scalps

Schizoid

Scream (1981)

Scream For Help

Shadows Run Black

Shallow Grave

Silent Madness

Silent Night, Bloody Night

Silent Night. Deadly Night

Silent Scream

Slaughter High

Slaughterhouse

Slaughterhouse Rock

Slayer, The

Sledgehammer

Sleepaway Camp

Slumber Party Massacre, The

Sorority House Massacre

Spare Parts

Spine

Splatter University

Stagefright

Strange Behaviour

Student Bodies

Summer Camp Nightmare

Superstition

Sweet Sixteen

10 To Midnight

Tenebre

Terror At Tenkiller

Terror On Tour

Terror Train

They're Playing With Fire

Three On A Meathook

To All A Goodnight

Too Scared to Scream

Toolbox Murders, The (1978)

Tormentor

Tourist Trap

Town That Dreaded Sundown, The

Trick Or Treats

Twisted Nightmare

Unhinged

Unseen, The

Victims!

Video Violence

Visiting Hours

Wacko

Warning, The

Wind, The (1986)

Woodchipper Massacre

X-Ray

Zero Boys, The

Sequels:

Boogeyman II

Camp Fear (AKA, Cheerleader Camp 2)

Cheerleader Massacre (AKA, Slumber Party Massacre IV)

Exterminator 2

Hard to Die (AKA, Sorority House Massacre III)

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Hills Have Eyes Part II, The (1985)

Maniac Cop II

Maniac Cop III: Badge Of Silence

Poor White Trash Part II

Prom Night III: The Last Kiss

Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil

Psycho II

Psycho III

Psycho IV: The Beginning

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers

Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland

Slumber Party Massacre II, The

Slumber Party Massacre III, The

Sorority House Massacre II

Video Violence 2

Big 13th - Part of Friday the 13th Blog-A-Thon

2007-07-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

Last week, on Big Brother Friday

In a fierce competition of fish egg eating kangaroos, the houseguests battled it out to become the new Head of Household. In the end, it was Andy who won all power, and set both Sarah and Scott up on the chopping block. Being sure of his safety, all Scott had to say was "I think I'll stay around," while Sarah shakes her head in sorrow.

With her showmance as HOH, Debbie was sure that she would be sticking around for another week. "We skinny dipped together. Doesn't that count for anything?"

Then, nominee Sarah starts turning to a higher power for help. The soul of her dead friend Sam. Meanwhile, Chris and Cort form a secret alliance, nicknamed The Honeybees.

In the Power of Veto challenge, a fight for survival in the house turned bloody, when Scott sat on the house dog, Muffin. "Forgive me, please," pleaded the dog crusher, but everybody ignored him, and it was Andy who won POV. Keeping the nominations the same, it was a 3-0 decision, that Scott the dog killer, would leave the house. In the HOH competiton, where the houseguests found themselves throwing dead bodies with a catapult, it was Chris who managed to score extra points by smashing her body through a set of windows, earning her the title of the new Head of Household.

Five houseguests remain. Who will be evicted this week, and what will replace poor Muffin? Find out, tonight, on Big Brother: Friday!

-WEEK #10-

While cuddling out by the lake, new found lovers Debbie and Andy discuss the happenings in the cabin home. Debbie admits that she doesn't "trust Chris", explaining to Andy that "she's jealous, because you're so much smarter, and better at acting than her real life boyfriend Rick."

Meanwhile, Sarah tries to evade Cort, after he jokes with her that he wants to "sleep with her in the bottom bunk." Sarah runs down the stairs, crying and shouting out to her dead friend yet again. Cort continues to flirt with Sarah, at the time that Chris walks out of her HOH bedroom. Feeling betrayed, a fight breaks out, growing with comments of Chris "gaining weight over the summer", by Cort.

"I have chosen to nominate Debbie, and Andy," decides Chris, "for strictly strategic reasons."

In the POV competition, the houseguests have the chance to win the Power of Veto by shooting paintballs at a man in a hockey mask. The goal, to make the masked man cry, was achieved by Debbie, who took herself off of the block. "I am just not ready to leave yet. I love that hammock!" In her place, it was Cort, the friendship betrayer, who was put up on the block.

Tonight, one more of our houseguests will be leaving us. Andy, you may state your case as to why you should stay in the Big Brother Cabin.

"Well, may I just say that this has been a wonderful experience. And I think that you should keep me here because, I am just like you all. No offense to my opposition, Cort, but he's so low in atmosphere. Look where we all come from. Debbie, Chris, Sarah and I all have a background image to keep up. Sure, every single one of us has been targeted by a serial killer, all with a hockey mask, and, if I didn't know any better, I'd say it was the same guy. Come to think about it, that man in the POV competition looks a lot like him."

"..."

"...We make this show. Cort may have the majority of America's vote, but it's undeniable that we bring better character development, more surprises, hotter sex- although that couple in the tent that first week did a fine job." "..." "But we leave impressions. Cort is funny. But who said that we were meant to be funny? Funny is good for one time, perhaps, but in twenty five years, who will think about those funny people, in that funny place? They'll remember the atmospheric, classical times, where lame jokes and unseen stalkers abide. This is why you should keep me. Not to mention, I love my new girlfriend."

"And Debbie, it WAS me, not the fucking hammock!!!"

Interesting statement Andy. Very indepth. Now Cort, it is your turn to make your statement about why you should stay.

"Ha-ah, alright! You know for, a bunch of classical people, you ain't bad. This cabin is jammin'! So, yeah, I think you should keep me in, cuz, uh, I think that I breathe more life into this show. Who cares about atmosphere anyways? Maybe twenty or more years ago, but all of the viewers of today like a little humor to go with their entertainment. Although I will admit, that guy in the hockey mask does look a lot like the one who stalked me."

"..."

"But I have a dream! And that dream is to win the right to live, and I think that, since I am part of America's favorite, I should stay."

Sarah speaks up. "Those polls were fixed! Season 6 can't be America's favorite! That makes no sense. Why one earth would Season 6 be the top dog if it has little kids, talking about dead meat? This is absurd! Almost like psychic girls, or boats, or demons, or...space! Classic seasons are, have, and always will be the number one. We don't need your funny kind around here. A good show can be put on without the use of special effects!"

Cort continues. "Listen, at least our season acknowledged it was Friday the 13th! Besides season 1, which I see nobody from here, you just-"

And that's all the time we have. Debbie. Sarah. Cast your votes.

"You know our votes." Debbie huffs, sighing.

Very well. By a vote of 2-0, Cort, you have been evicted.

Oh my.

Four houseguests remain. Who will win HOH, who will be evicted next, and who will be crowned, Survivor of Friday?

Alright, the next Head of Household competition will begin. Remember Chris, as outgoing HOH, you can not compete. Sarah, Andy, Debbie. The task is simple. You each have three guesses. Use them wisely, in trying to figure out, which of the following little girl campers, has a brain tumor?

Join us next week, when the HOH is decided. Until then, we'll eavesdrop on the houseguests.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

It is Horrendous!!!

2007-07-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

People, due to Friday the 13th, in exactly one week, I have to inform you about a tragic end, t a wonderful place.

fridaythe13thfilms.com

...is dead! :O Emoticon!!!!!!

Yes people, this was my, and many others, favorite forum site on the net, to talk about...well...anything! Horror, non-horror, personal stuff that was bugging you...You name it, I can assure you, it was there.

Imagine, it all happened on Independence Day. Scary, I know it. After viewing Live Free or Die Hard, I thought Armageddon was finished with. But no! My beloved home has been blown up. Kaput! No info, just a chat room, and a lovely, but sad, goodbye blogspot. Yes, indeed, on blogspot! So I'll try to input some more reviews, and possibly Characters We Cherish, into Body Horror, but it shall be tough reporting on the end of the world!!! Have a good day all, for Jason comes to town,

July, Friday the 13th

Characters We Cherish: Violet

2007-07-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

Character: Violet

From: Friday the 13th - Part V: A New Beginning

Played By: Tiffany Helm

Quotes: "Piss off!" "I said I was sorry!"

Why We Love Her: She has attitude, independence, and a sexy style. She listens to retro new wave, and hangs a variety of posters in her wall. Did we mention she's beautiful? She's not the type of woman you'd see on the cover of a magazine, portraying fashion, or women's health, but she's daring to be unique, and sets herself apart from the other, cardboard characters in slasher movies. Although, Friday the 13th - Part V has a large amount of characters, that could just as easily make their way onto the "Characters We Cherish" board, we find that Violet sets herself adrift from the bundle. She's a girl who is not afraid to speak her mind, and that's what we love.

Her robot dance has captivated trillions of little girls to be just like her. Moving to the groove of Pseudo Echo's "His Eyes", the tune only brings more to her great love. Those eyes, swamped over with liner, gook, and...is that a new pale complexion I see? Wonderful! Totally brilliant. Catchy red lipstick, thrifty shirts and dresses, are accompanied by pretty headphones, with oranger sponges, for ear protection...I think. Is she perhaps related to Ally Sheedy's emo misfit from "The Breakfast Club"? Yes, by golly, she could adorn that large, crap-stuffed purse, everywhere she goes! That'd be hot!

Dance, Vi, dance! Don't take that chocolate bar from Joey! He has cooties. Eeeewww! Flip him off, and continue hanging up the laundry. Man oh man, you're good at that Vi. Try setting the table. Whoooa! Is there anything she can't do? Tell off a stutterer, who is criticizing you for setting plates for dead people. You apologised! Get over it Jake! This girl is on a roll, so don't cross paths with her. She'll cut you like a piece of bread! Aww, good, extra butter there, miss.

Let's look at that style, now shall we? Something tells me that hair isn't naturally blonde. But no sweat, it's stylish, and those dark tips are an extra trademark of cool. Whoopy! Let's go to Mars! Where we can spend all day talking about good ol' Violet. Her grey tank top is a thrill.

A thanks to Tiffany Helm, who played Violet, like no other actress could. She remains my most favorite victim, and star, of any person ever, in a Friday the 13th, and possibly, makes my top 5 in all horrordom. Rock on Violet. You lived fast, died young, and left a beautiful corpse. Minus the blood splatter of course. We miss you, crazy robot dancing girl.

"Can it wait?"

Ach! You're a murderer Roy, and I'll never forgive you. Dear Violet, your death shall be avenged!

Ten More Days...and that Mongoloid is Mine!

2007-07-03T07:11:00.000-07:00

To clear things up, basically, I'm talking about the joy that is, The Slasher Series! Yes folks, that one that you never get tired of watching. In parts. Well, okay, so Part VII gets a bit boring after a while. But this series has kept itself alive for nearly 30 years! Give it some credit for introducing a mainstream slasher, for children to look up to. His hockey mask glows in the moonlight, basking over Crystal Lake. (I should probably look up the definition for basking, hmm?)

In case you are still in the dark, (in which case you should be shot), I'm talking about the slasher mayhem that exists in the long running, Friday the 13th series (1980-2003). Yes, July 13th is a Friday, and I'm sure all of you peoples will be taking out the old boxset...or VHS tapes. For this jolly good holiday requires somewhat of a mention, sharing its name with some of the greatest horror moments, ever caught on film. Yeppers people. Friday the 13th, is almost here! Emoticon! :)

Update on the website. I'll be adding a new section soon, glorifying characters from horror faves. The ones that impacted us, or not. The ones that made us laugh, or not. The ones that made us want to stick a curling iron up their private area, or not. Basically, it's a free-for-all! And due to the upcoming date, I'd say a certain entry from the Friday films should be taken out and examined for its character. A certain New entry, with a Beginning, and making it not new but from the 80s, wouldn't make it new at all, therefore those hints being dropped, would sorely be misplaced. Can you dance the robot? She sure can. Yeah, you know her. And she's coming up next, on Body Horror.

-Body Boy

Seriously, do I need to label the poster? Meh, it's fun. Hehe, signatures.

So I'm losing it now. I'll take time out to freshen up, and be less nutty.

Maniac (1980)

2007-07-01T14:01:00.001-07:00

It's Canada Day, and what better a way to celebrate the month of July than with the review of a slasher film, that is sick, twisted, and brutal, even by today's standards. Yes, it's William Lustig's masterpiece, Maniac (1980).

Frank Zito is infected with a disease. A disease to kill! And through many scalpings, shotgun blasts, stranglings, throat slicings, stabbings, and chokings, he graces the terror screen with pure disgust. It's true what they say. It's a senseless film. A gory one at that. But unexplainably good. Zito (who is played by The Godfather's Joe Spinell) is overcome with memories of his mother. Memories that leave him loyal to his abusive parent, and filled up to the neck with hatred. He cannot destroy these painful feelings, and searches for helpless victims, at the beach, in the subway, or even in their own homes! Ahh! He's not afraid to go after rent-paying hookers either. And why not? It's only $100 for "The Ultimate" with these gals:

However, something has struck this mama's boy's heart. The love for a sexy photographer, played by none other than Caroline Munro! Nope, I'm not that much into depth with this actress. But damn, does the back of the DVD ever make her sound interesting! Next stop, going to the showga! Or...showgirl's? Hmm. That song is one catchy tune. One may wonder as to the reason I didn't check to see what it was called. It's great though, and can be caught on the R-rated trailer. So all you youtubers can sneek in an earful of that glorious track. And here she is, in all of her photographer glam:

So the "maniac" in question here is no doubt Zito. Right? I'm pretty sure about that. I know that there'll be extremists, who will correct me, and present me with the answer that is truly buried under all of that snow suit. It's probably something like, "the real maniac at large here if the government, for not taking away poor Frank from his horrible mother quick enough", or "the real maniac is the nurse who dropped all of her quarters in the subway, and didn't bother to pick them back up again, just because a creepy middle-aged man is stalking her." Yeah I bet that's the million dollar response. Poor, poor, pitiful me, for not thinking of that sooner.

Yes, that photographer is lightyears higher on the food chain of love than Zito, and I had to ask myself, not once, not twice, but eleven times why she would date such a...dirty looking man, whose balding, and has a bumpy skin condition. What, are we actually supposed to believe that she bases dates on soul and personality? Pfft! Looks are where it's at honey. Stay away from that caring side.
In closing, I highly suggest that, if you are a slasher fan, or just a nutty person, that you check out Maniac (1980). Special effects by Tom Savini, of Friday the 13th (1980) and The Prowler (1981) fame. You should see it for that reason alone. It's gritty, and makes you want to freshen up a bit after viewing. Yes folks, it's another one of those "take a long shower after" flicks, that we all love. My personal favorite victim? That blonde nurse, who is more than determined, not to die. Amen sister. Fight the power!
Maniac (1980)

Night of the Comet (1984)

2007-06-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

It goes without saying that entertainment is what we all want from a movie, including from the horror genre. Honestly, if we weren't entertained, what would we have? A piece of shit, that's what. Luckily, Night of the Comet (1984) delivers us some sweet and sensational 80s entertainment, through thrills, shocks, and a witty script. While many horror-comedies fail miserably, this one gives its viewer one fun hell of a time, and in the words of my pet cat, "I love cheesy mall rat world saving tongue-in-cheek horror flick stars". Seriously, that's what he said.

Meet Regina and Sam Belmont, who just wanted to be normal teenaged girls, with sex in the theater, bitchy stepmoms, and a fashion that only the eighties could pressure you into liking. Wow, wasn't it awesome back then? But wait! An interuption has occured, as a large comet hits the earth, killing almost all of mankind. That sucks! Totally! And when Regina's boyfriend Larry is killed (to death) by a creepy zombie man, things do not get any better. What a shame. So what is there to do now? Shop, shop, shoot up cars with guns, and shop some more. And meet up with Lector the truck driver, of course. But does the crush that falls upon both sisters mean the end of their long friendship? Only time, and ninety five minutes will tell.

A few dreams and Cindy Lauper tune dances later, and the girls are partying like it's...well, uh, 1984. Night of the Comet (1984) isn't for everybody, especially those who like their horror brutal, and violent. It's not even a comparison to Night of the Living Dead (1968) because it is so much further beyond that. Comet wishes to involve not only zombies and the end of the world, but blood-lusting underground lad researchers as well, which makes it effort worthy, ten out of ten. Both the female leads, and their male supporter have a unique likeability about them, seen in many other films before this. And the true villains, as you will find out, are not the zombies at all. It's a heart-warming tale, that's made its way to DVD just this year, thanks to MGM, and their COMPLETELY BARE disc. I'm not crying, I'm just saying that, if they want to make the top five horror DVD distributors list this year, they'll have to keep releasing more films, like The Burning (1981), and Scarecrows (1988). Oh! So they are. Well then, welcome to the club. And thankyou for the treat.

Guns and pretty women. You can't ask for a better prize. I'm sure many have enjoyed Comet in the past, and have found that the above cartoonish screenshot represents this wacky movie entirely. It is in fact, a cartoon, but a good one at that. Rarely is there a time where your eyes droop, and never recover. Laugh at the jokes, shriek at the make-up, but whatever you do, "save the world!" Reg and Samantha did, why can't you? Only the most jaded of film fanatics should skip this roller coaster.

Night of the Comet (1984)

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

2007-06-03T17:05:00.000-07:00

In Wes Craven's supposed classic, The Hills Have Eyes (1977), a family of six, plus one baby (and plus two dogs) find themselves stranded in the desert, after their car crashes on the way to California. But there's more trouble. Another famly has also been cast off the road, and enjoy eating human, and dog flesh! How coincidental. Too bad for our main Carter family, as they begin to get picked off one by one by the planet named inbred cannibals, who sport the tendencies to steal people's milk.

The characters tend to take the deaths of their loved ones pretty terribly, until about five minutes later, when all is forgotten. Unlikely they'd be able to keep sane, but fortunately for real life reactions, the mother does not. When finding her husband charred to a crisp, she pulls a Marilyn Burns on us, and laughs her way into denial. The younger daughter's nuttiness factor doesn't stay low for long either, screaming and shouting a reasonable amount, not to an extent that would drive somebody crazy. Her teen brother, Bobby, sets an interesting mood, being not only a hero, but a smart thinker. How on earth could a young adult think of such ways to trick those nightmarish monsters?

Despite slow scenes, Hills is fairly interesting, and contains one of my favorite movie scenes alive on DVD today, which would be the trailer massacre. The number of deaths probably don't live up to be crowned a massacre, but it does bring shock to the viewer, who has just gotten to know the center crowd. The killer family is pretty stupid, yet effective at the same time. They don't act like a backwoods family should. Ofcourse, I've never met one before, have I? Not much in the blood department, and with the lowest form of sexual pleasure you can find from a horror film, this isn't a treat for everybody. But it still stands strong today, remaining a classic. Even if any film made in the seventies is considered a classic anyways.

Not a bad attempt by Wes at all. He's one hell of an overated director, and Hills is certainly no masterpiece. I had fun, and could get into the plot, if just barely. I can honestly see where the remakers had their head with this one. Sure, remakes can almost assurdly be tossed into the garbage, but this is a tale, whether fresh or not, that could make any bedtime toddler shiver. If told right. And Craven did a very good job in telling the story. But it had so much potential to be a better flick. Favorite quote? "Movie stars, and fancy cars." Memorable sights? Those hot-ass tight white shorts worn by Bobby. Suh-weet!

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

Remembering Brenda

2007-05-27T08:58:00.001-07:00

As many of you may already know, Laurie Bartram, beloved wife, mother, and actress, died last Friday, after being diagnosed with inoperable cancer, no more than a month before. Laurie's portrayal of Brenda in the original Friday the 13th (1980), had many fans of the series sighing over the passing of her character, whom had such a large likeability, she has become one of the top 20 favorite characters in the long running slasher franchise we see today. And only a woman who possessed such characteristics, could have possibly brought them out so well on film. Laurie, you and your family will be in my prayers. Good luck, and rest in peace.

Laurie Bartram

May 16 1958 - May 25 2007

I Just...Don't Know

2007-05-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

If you've been with me for a little, then you know that I haven't posted a review in over a week. If you've read this post's title, you'll see that I'm not reviewing today. Whaaaaat? Well, I'm busy. Much work is to be done. But tonight, I'll watch a movie, and probably review it next week, which sort of makes no sense, but hey! I need a vacation. Three whole reviews! Man, I deserve to be paid! Anyways, I was thinking about watching Just Before Dawn (1980) again, but thought, "why not watch something that I haven't?" Alrighty, I will, and since I have a few that haven't made it to my DVD player yet, I'll choose them. I'd give you a picture of Deborah Benson, but my frame capture screws up on JBD, so no pictures there. (Sad)

So, what will it be? Finish off the It's Alive series with It's Alive III: Island of the Alive? Uh...no. The first two were slow as hell, and part one wasn't even that great of a film. Funny-bad, but just not all that. Sorry mutant babies.

Okay, so I could continue with my Bava boxset. Well, there's a good idea. But I've given you two Italian horror movie reviews already. That's a no-no. Plus, one of them WAS a Bava boxset entry. Black Sunday (1960), The Girl Who Knew Too Much (1963), and Knives of the Avenger (is that even a horror movie?) will have to wait. Kill, Baby...Kill (1966) will be up in the distant future.

Now. Phantasm (1979). Can you believe I haven't even seen this one before. Any of the entries, actually. I just thank Anchor Bay for their troubles. Re-Animator (1985) could be good, but I think I'll wait on that. Oooo, Night of the Comet (1984). Perhaps? Well, you'll see soon. I'm leaning towards the flying sphere, but those mall rat heroes are looking rather tasty tonight.

City of the Living Dead (1980)

2007-04-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

For some odd reason, this Lucio Fulci film has become my favorite undead horror movie of all time. But why? I don't even care for Lucio Fulci. The Beyond (1981) and The New York Ripper (1982) never poked me off of my seat, so why has City of the Lving Dead (1980) got Josh so rallied up? Hmm, let's overview!

A group of people hold a seance (once again, add the accent) which results in the death of a twenty-five year-old Mary, after she watches a priest hang himself in a cemetery. (I know, right?) You have to see it to believe it, or, maybe the phrase goes, you have to watch it to not think it's a lame scene. And it's not! It's gripping! Spectacular! Hypnotic! And above all, nothing special. Sorry folks, but this is not where the fun starts. Some time later, in a different cemetery, Mary is being buried. But wait! She's alive! She was only in a coma. Thank God for that! Or should I say, thank Christopher George, (aka, the reporter) who hears Mary's cries for help, and tears apart the flimsy coffin. Yay! Go George!

Haven't figured out the story yet? Well, isn't it obvious? The priest's death resulted in tearing open the Seven Gates of Hell, as if you didn't know. So this psychic Mary, and odd-ball reporter struggle to prevent the dead from all rising again. Sounds all too familiar, but it's that repetitiveness that keeps us coming. Even if City is unique in so many ways. And equipped with a head-drilling scene that'll make you love it even more.

Blah! Onto subplot!
Family of three attend casket of dead daughter/sister.
Young boy of family sees sister in closet.
Young boy screams.
Sister kills parents.
Young boy joins lead people.
People save the day.
Not much to it but gore, because the story seems somewhat trimmed. Hell, the entire ending confused me to death, as did many other crazy things. And do undead priests really want to kill people? No, they're just looking for someone to hug. Or at least squeeze the brains out of.

I thought I should have reviewed this today, as it's been almost a week since I watched it, which isn't healthy for pure opinions. Basically, see the film, love the characters, and ignore the story like you did the increasing price on the cash register in Dawn of the Dead (1978). Last tidbit, the score is spooky as hell. Listening will make your eyes bleed. So yeah, the ending is complete bull. It makes no sense at all! Well, not to me. I may just not have been paying attention, but from my point, it was just a huge W.T.F?

City of the Living Dead (1980)

Don't Go In The Woods...Alone! (1981)

2007-04-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever watched a movie, that is so terrible beyond belief, but actually liked? I have searched and searched for a film like this, and never found one, because there is always something that the director (or whomever) manages to do well. Such is not the case in today's review of James Bryan's cult classic backwoods slasherfest, Don't Go In The Woods...Alone! (1981). There is absolutely nothing good about the film, except for the buckets of blood thrown onscreen, that looks fake as hell anyways. Compare it to Dawn of the Dead's (1978) gore, and you'll see why. If that zombie masterpiece has horrendous blood effects, then this underground monkey must have even worse! No? You be the judge. I'm only reviewing DGITWA so no more Romero cheese talk on Earth Day, okay? Oh yeah, happy Earth Day!

Woods is circled around four twenty-somethings, who hike through the grueling mountains, for fun, spouting out lame dialogue, accompanied by low tones that a third grade play would have greater appeal of. Character development doesn't really matter much in this film anyways. It's the kills. The mindless, pointless, wtf (?) kills. And ofcourse, the ever-so manly Peter, who sports a pink T, forehead dawning glasses, an at-times high pitched shout, and ofcourse, his most sexy day dreams that any male could muster:

We all know that one day, Peter will make some wonderful woman an adoring husband. That is, if he makes it out of the woods in one piece! Though, I have never met a lady in my life, who has ever had the hots for guys admiring themselves shirtless. Perhaps I'm wrong, and there's a club meeting every Thursday at 2:00, with ham sandwichs for appetizers. But until I obtain proof, Peter is left in the dust.

Now how about those extras? You know. The ones with barely an inch of dialogue, that actually possess better acting skills than the leads. These include senior and middle aged women, yelling out the names of their spouses. How many times is it? 16? 18? 23? Examples of such Academy Award winning speeches are:

"Dayle!...Dayle!...Wait up Dayle!...Dayle!...Dayle!...Dayle!"

or...

"Oh Dick....It's, Dick...Dick?...Di-ick?...Dick...Dick....Dick...Dick..."

Ahhhhhh! Bird-ladies need to shut up now, or I'll bust my head through the damn television set!

The score for this horror gem is in a category on its own. Probably because it's so corny, rediculous, and abrupt. You come to a point in the music when the end just comes. No warning. It just stops. The director says that this film was intended to be a comedy. My opinion is that James Bryan set out to make a horror film, saw the crap-filled outcome, realised that Woods was more funny than scary, changed parts of the score to A-class plinky clown sounds, and shifted his eyes while stating that this was an intended comedy. "Yes...yes, that's supposed to happen...yes."

We've already established that there are many random killings that don't contribute to the story in any way, and that the leads are cardboard. (Fun, but cardboard). What is next? The story! Yes people, there is a story to this turn-your-brain-off picture. We just haven't found it yet. Who is the killer and why does he kill? We don't know, and we never will know, unless a Don't Go In The Woods 2 is made, which I surely hope never happens. The old-man growling hillbilly thing really is just that. A growler. That's all the poor actor does, and that's kind of degrading. Especially when forced to wear beads over your face, that at first glance confuses hiself with a spider.

Weapon of choice? A jingle stick-with a blade! "Ooooo". Honestly, that does intrigue me. So does his house, which reminds me of Jason Voorhees' musky momma shack in Friday the 13th, Part 2 (1981). The difference is that Jason's shack is more menacing. They are both creepy and reak of carnage, but Mr. Spider Jingle Heimer Smith's is just a body-infested torture chamber, minus the torture objects. Oh, but does he ever dispatch his victims. Look at poor Joanie (No, I haven't found out the proper spelling. Sue me!). Macheteized!

Wow, what a meanie! Even though this may be one of the worst horror movies ever, it still rocks because it's so damn hilarious. Don't Watch Alone was probably an alternate title to this, because you shouldn't. Watch with a friend, and the laughs you share will be treasured for always. Hooray! Make fun of chubby cops, cry with falling wheelchair men, and protest against the people who run back to where the life threatening danger lurks. Trust me, seek this one out. Special features and all survive in the Code Red release of Don't Go In The Woods...Alone! (1981). Worth every penny, I say. And so does Deron Miller of CKY! (See DVD for sense to that line)

Again I say, Don't Go In The Woods...Alone! (1981) is a messy and worthless film. Which is the reason you must own it! Buy! Now! I beg of you! Chances are there are limited prints of this DVD, so get it while it's hot. Or the Jingle Bread Man will get you! I may love it, but that does not excuse it for being complete garbage. That makes it desirable, but still, the movie sucks, and there are boring parts. Not a complete fail, and you could do much worse, but Woods only receives a 3/10 from me. Sorry. But thanks for the grub! "Dick...Dayle...Dick!"
Don't Go In The Woods...Alone! (1981)

A Stray Cat

2007-04-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

Argh! Don't you hate it when people call themselves, or another cat? Cool Cat. Suave Cat. Bologna Eating Cat. Will the madness end?

Today isn't about cats OR bologna though. Not even a review. I'm just here to talk. Just...talk. I was bored, so thought that I should update my blog, considering it was a whole 13 hours ago that I did it. (!) My thoughts on horror films has always seemed to stay the same. "Love". A strong word, but I think it's appropriate.

I enjoy slasher films the most, with giallos and crappy exploitation flicks coming second. Massacre At Central High (1976) is an example of these teen exploits. While it's wacky, I have an awesome time with it. Deep Red (1975) and Macabre (1980) are just two of quite a few that come to my mind when Italian is mentioned. Slashers I could go on forever with. Madman (1981), The Burning (1981), The Drom That Dripped Blood (1982), Curtains (1983) and so many more to come all have a place in my heart. Friday the 13th (1980), Halloween (1978), and A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984) are just as dear to me as the pre-mentioned.

Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) angers me with all of its black and whiteness, but I still really like it! Classic. I don't really care if people get angry at me for not giving The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) a high mark, or that I'd prefer to watch old movies in color. It's my opinion. Or that I can't stand remakes (Because I know how everybody out there just adores them). Jokes aside, I hope to be here a while, and wish that the comments section would be drowned by the reviews (Like that'll happen). It's my birthday tomorrow, so I should be getting off now. Can you believe the cake has Cropsy on it? That requires an emoticon. :O

Here's my fairwell, for now. (I'll promise to get a picture of that cake! Or my name isn't Josh...)

Black Sabbath (1963)

2007-04-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

Sadly, I don't like making catchy or funny titles for my posts. Maybe I just can't think of any, which wouldn't be a surprise, considering my poor memory. Oh! Allow me to introduce myself. Or, re-introduce myself. I'm Body Boy, and that's not just a porno nickname. I, here at Body Horror, enjoy long walks in the park, cuddling with fuzzy porcupines, and watching horror films. Well, the old ones at least. I may have been born in the 90s, but I have the film experience of a...something else. Anyways, back in what I think that I remember as October 2006, I set up the same blog, in hopes of taking things from there, and running with it. Sadly, after my third review, ending with The Mutilator (1984), I decided that I had too much time on my hands. Now, after deleting all trace of the previous blog, I'm restarting from scratch. Drat! I'd say worse, but I'm still not sure how this bloggy-thing works. So anyways, I review horror films. Yay! Let's gone on with it:

Mario Bava has been granted the title "King of Italian Horror Directors" by many fans and critics. And I can see why. I'm a huge fan of Dario Argento's work and Bava's son, Lamberto, but Mario has contributed some horror greats as well. Twitch of the Death Nerve (1971) and Lisa and the Devil (1972) are just some of the outstanding giallos of Mr. Bava's career. But today we're looking at some of his earlier work. An old three-way gothic horror anthology, called Black Sabbath (1963). Hosted by the legendary Boris Karloff, this atmospheric, chilling masterpiece brings you back to the good old days, when horror didn't need to be MTV-ised, and loaded with fake looking CGI. Nope, this was when horror was good. Indeed, and I know some of you are scratching your heads, but believe it or not, horror rocked until about the late eighties. Some hits here or there, but it eventually fell to pieces once Cutting Class (1988) hit the shelf. Anyways, enough pounding, and let us get to the praising.

Our first story is titled "The Telephone" and it is my favorite of the three adventures. It has those graceful characters, however deceitful they may be, and above all, a phone! Wow! Not to mention lesbian love, devastatingly ruined by an escaped murderous loon! Eek! Should I tell the rest of the story? I don't know, but I'll try. A beautiful woman is being stalked by a man from her past, whom we are led to believe is actually her lesbian lover, Mary. Then, we see it's actually the man from her past! Wowsers! Make that mega! It must be seen to be appreciated. The revenge sub-plot is a nice twist to this short tale, that makes me proud to say The Telephone is a 9/10 type deal! As a whole film, it would most definately fail, because it'd be so damn long and boring! But as Bava's small masterpiece, it fits right in. A shame that it is the best story, because it comes first. I like to be teased, contrary to popular belief.

The second story, "The Wurdalak", is my least favorite of the bunch. Sure, it's creepy, had a great bloodsucking ghouls plot, and caring peeps, but at the end of that story, you become enraged. (-Well, I did.) It was the longest of the three and had the largest setting. The other two films worked, because they were simple minded, and simple setted. Props to the headless guy though. I got creeped out by Karloff's old man, and Sdenka (nope, not a typo) was gorgeous. She made me want to live in Sweden again (or for the first time). Whether or not she was Swedish isn't the case here. It's the fact that this should have been an actual full-length film, and replaced in this mini-trilogy by something more appealing. A 6/10 entry is nothing to be sad about Bava. It's still classic. And eerie. Ach! My spine!

Finally, we land with another 9/10 "holy crap, that's disturbing" entry. Meet "The Drop of Water", a tad-over twenty minute short about a mean wittle wady who wants a cweepy dead wady's wing. But wing, I mean ring. It's about a nurse who steals a pretty, and presumably expensive ring from a dead woman, who died after perfroming a seance (add the accented -e, ofcourse).

When she spots the beautiful jewellery slipped on the senior's finger, she can't contain herself, and steals the damned thing. Damned you say? Well, not the ring. But the side effects that come with it sure as hell are. Multiple dripping water droplets!!! Flies that land on your ring finger!!! Botox infected spirits!!! This has everything but a floating corpse welcoming you with open arms!

Oops! Spoke too soon. Anyways, see the film, as it's a true piece of Italian art (you know, if you're into that kind of thing). I don't think this deserves a five star rating, as other internet islands have awarded it, but it's good. Hell, is it ever! Watch, watch, watch, watch, and watch! Sink your teeth into Sdenka:

Yummy. Now I know why the ghouls were after her.

Black Sabbath (1963)